I’ve only been up two hours…

and I’ve already had a ton of thoughts this morning.

 

1. I had a dream that Dog the Bounty Hunter came to my house to babysit May.

Do the right thing and turn yourself over...on your tummy.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Yes, you read that correctly. I dreamed that Duane “Dog” the Bounty Hunter came into my house, took possession of my child, and cared for her in my absence. I think this stemmed from a conversation that Daniel and I had last night. Daniel’s law firm provides free emergency child care service for its employees and he had thought of using it tomorrow when I have to go back to Hoag Hospital for the last part of my pre-employment activities. Yesterday I had the first part of my pre-employment chores (TB testing, drug testisng, etc.) so Daniel took May and ended up strolling her around Fashion Island for almost two hours while I was away. I didn’t think it would take that long. OOOPS. Daniel got a great recommendation from one of his colleagues for a babysitter and I had a momentary freak-out about having a stranger watch her.  I guess that imprinted on my dream.

I wonder what it would be like to have Dog the Bounty Hunter babysit May.

-Would he make her wear feathers in her hair? She’s completely bald, so I’m not sure how that would work.

-Would he let her teethe on his handcuffs?

-Would he call repeatedly call her “brah,” even though she’s a little girl?

-Would he make her get torpedo boob implants a-la Beth?

 

Here's looking at you, kid.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

She’d probably be in pretty good hands. I think I’d trust Dog. Granted, his kids look rode hard and put up wet, but I think Dog is a very caring person. There are faaar worse reality television personalities to have as babysitters:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

2. You’re so important.

Being a mom means that pretty much anywhere I go in the car, May is sitting it the backseat. This is problematic for someone like me, because my worst traits as a human being come out while I’m driving. This is amplified by being in southern California. People around here drive with absolutely no fear, and no regard for the other million cars on the road. When we lived here the first time (pre-May, of course) I allowed my road rage to fully flourish. At any time, any number of expletives would fly out of my mouth. Occasionally, when really ticked off, I’d let a certain hand gesture do the talking. Am I proud of this…no.  Does it feel good…yes.

Last year, living in Phoenix was a good training exercise in learning to curb my urge to act like an angry person in the car. If you flip off the wrong person in Phoenix, you’ll get capped. I’m not even joking.

Well, being back in SoCal has awakened all of those road-ragey feelings deep inside my soul, but now I have May in the car. I absolutely cannot allow myself to do and say things that really express how I feel. So I’ve come up with an alternative. When I get cut off or nearly run over (happens EVERY TIME  I get in the car), the new thing I shout is “YOU’RE SO IMPORTANT!” And it’s true. People are so important around here. If you’re driving, you need to realize that the person in front of you, to the left of you, the right of you and behind you is late to their (choose one):

-botox injection

-lunch at R&D

-appointment at Newport Pain Management

-Clearance sale at Neiman Marcus

I could make a list a mile long, but you get the point.

While yelling “YOU’RE SO IMPORTANT” isn’t nearly as gratifying as yelling other things, it does the trick. Now I just hope that when May gets older and angry at some child on the playground, she won’t yell “YOU’RE SO IMPORTANT!” The meaning would definitely be lost in translation.

 

3. I heart Panera

Panera is straight-up delicious. I have made a ritual of going there on the mornings I drop Daniel off at work. I usually get a French toast bagel and large cup of coffee. MMMMM. Panera has the BEST coffee anywhere. Sorry Charbucks, your drip coffee tastes burnt. As delicious as this breakfast is, it gives me great pause to order it because I live in the Nanny state of California (exhibit A). For whatever reason, California has decided to offend my sensibilities by forcing restaurants to post caloric totals on their menus. Rude. I think they’ve proven that this doesn’t curb people from ordering high caloric items (exhibit B). It just makes them say “damn.” The French toast bagel has 340 calories, and who knows how many more after a proper dressing of butter. I still order it though. And every time time, I say, “damn…that’s good.”

 

#2 plus #3

So after I finished my 340+ calorie breakfast this morning, I go to the parking lot to unload my child so I can go home. Anyone who has had a child, or been integrated into society for more than a day knows that loading a child into the car takes a little bit of doing. While taking May out of the stroller, there is some dude who is stalking the parking spot on the passenger side of the car, where I happen to be loading May into her car seat. This dude proceeds to sit there and stare holes in me, as if I could make the process go any faster. Then, in a huff, he throws his car in reverse and picks a spot that is actually closer to Panera than the one he originally tries to park in. The parking lot was virtually empty folks, and this idiot wants to give me a hard time for trying to secure my pookie safely.

 

There's just no where to park.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Note, my car is on the left and his car is on the right. See how empty the parking lot is. Say it with me folks…YOU’RE SO IMPORTANT!

 

That’s all I’ve got for now. Have a fantastic day:)

 

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20 thoughts on “I’ve only been up two hours…

  1. Ehren Baxter says:

    It so strange that you live a world away, yet the abnoxious city personalities are so damn similar to the b.s. I deal with in NYC. God help me when we have a child! I don’t think I posess the self control to yell, “YOU’RE SO IMPORTANT” – my version rhymes with “Are You DUCKING Serious.” You are such a good mom!

  2. Ehren Baxter says:

    Obnoxious (don’t know how that happened) 😦

  3. Ashley says:

    I have be thinking about how I will act in the car once Ryder is here, since I am known for yelling all sorts of colorful things at the retards on the road. So I like your idea! It will take practice, but thankfully {or not so thankfully} I have another month where the words that come out of my mouth sound like I am talking underwater to him.

    • OMG Ashley it takes SO MUCH SELF CONTROL. I am a total crazy person in the car. I have to do some hardcore repressing. It’s hard, but I don’t want to be the mom with the potty mouth child. Kids have a hard enough time these days. Are you getting excited for little Ryder’s arrival? It’s coming up sooooon….

      • Ashley says:

        Yeah, I am sure it takes a lot of self control. I have more of it than Tyler does, so I will try to be the good influence and when Ryder comes home with a note from school saying that he got in trouble for calling another kid a colorful name on the playground, I will know who to blame! Haha, just kidding.

        We are really excited for him to make his appearance! I have been trying to prepare the best I can, but you can never really be prepared for birth or for living with a newborn. Tyler and I organized baby stuff and assembled baby gear last night, and it felt a lot like Christmas. I hope he comes sooner rather than later, but we shall see!

  4. Mom says:

    You’re doing good, sweetie – My May-bug loves her mama!!!

  5. Staci says:

    I love the road rage comment!! Believe it or not…I am pretty bad with the road rage myself!! I’m glad you have learned to “control” yourself…I hope I will be able to do the same when we have a little one!! :-O

  6. auntie mo says:

    could you blog be any funnier? i think not.

  7. auntie mo says:

    OHHH, and i know who dog is!!!

  8. lolo says:

    You have no idea what bad traffic is. How would you like like to stop for a family of bears while going over North Mountain, or go around greasy slouching hillbillys shooting the breeze on the side of the road…sheesh, get over city boy

  9. Ya Ya says:

    Dog my dreamboat a sitter for our little pumpkin?! I think it could work – heart of gold, but I’m afraid Beth could be another story…

    I heard the sitter in real life looked a lot like a girl from Floyd! How is Dr. Vest?

    Lots of love to all,

    Ya Ya

  10. Ya Ya says:

    Am I right – this was the first Auntie Marcy/Baby May meeting? I’ll bet Marcy is as much of a natural with her as you are! A trip to Austin sounds wonderful. Why not have Dog meet you there?

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